Soul of a Psychic
by DonutHobbes
Summary: Vague spoilers. Not a big problem. “Here There Be Monsters”, “Enemy Mind”, “Netherworld”, and “Density” mentioned or referred to. Johnny ponders on his relationships with mostly Bruce, Stillson and people in general.


The Soul of a Psychic

Why do I keep pushing him away? He's my best friend, but I continue to push him away. Sometimes even literally--psychically, I mean. And yet, I tell myself, and often believe it, that it's because I don't want him to get hurt. Well, of course I don't. But is that the only reason? The only reason I act this way? To protect him? I thought, 'At least I can do that.'

Hobbs Landing proved me wrong…. But I still won't tell him what bothers me, what's plaguing my mind. Why I've been spending so much time at home. Why I haven't been calling Sarah as often as I did before we... Well, some things you just don't tell. And that has nothing to do with Stillson. Or Bruce.

I think he's beginning to resent me. For holding everything in. Maybe because he knows if I touch him, or even something he's touched, I can see his thoughts, actions, and feelings by seeing his future and past… I've seen his pain and joy, both my own experiences with him and with out him. I suppose it's just easy for me to keep people from my own feelings while I can touch them and see theirs. Bruce doesn't deserve that… But I can't tell him about Stillson... Not yet. He'll call me crazy and asks if I need to visit the hospital. Then I'll tell him again. He'll finally see the sincerity in my eyes and hear it in the tone of my voice. He'll ask what we're supposed to do about it. I'll say, 'I don't know, but I can't leave this alone…' He'll keep asking me questions… None of which I'll really be able to answer. So I won't tell him. I won't worry him. Even though, I'm pretty sure that not telling him will worry him just as much… If not more.

So I'll do nothing. Nothing about Bruce or Greg Stillson. Not yet anyway. But I won't drag Bruce into this. Not if I have to do what I think I might… I hope it doesn't come to that…

But who knows?

I just know that I don't want Bruce, Sarah, Walt, Dana, or anyone else to get caught up in it just because they know me.

Sometimes I wish I could help everyone who wrote me… But I've learned that sometimes a touch doesn't give you all the answers. Besides that, I really don't think I could take it. "Tell me if my baby's alright in heaven." "Find my lost husband." "Is my wife cheating on me?" I don't know what would be worse, knowing and telling or not knowing and not telling? There's only so much emotion a man can take before he goes crazy. Usually the stress is just his own, not thousands of others as well.

I don't believe Bruce has ever forgotten that I see something about him nearly every single time we touch. I think he just wants me to feel like we can have a normal relationship. But that can't happen. Not when you're friends with Johnny Smith.

I never would have met him if I hadn't been in the accident. Not knowing him was a scary and depressing experience… But if my dead zone hadn't come around the same time I did, maybe we would have had a normal friendship.

But then again, maybe we weren't supposed to have one, I don't know... It's hard to talk about fate when you can change the future so easily.

I just don't want Bruce to get hurt because he knows me. It's already happened. And it seems no matter what I do, or try to, I can't stop it from happing. In Hobbs Landing, I thought I was changing the future by making him leave. I don't know, but maybe I just pushed him into it, by thinking I was protecting him. Or if it would have happened regardless. Could it have been fate? I don't even know if I believe in that. I don't even know if I want to know what would have happened to Bruce if I hadn't ordered him to go. He might have been tied up right along side me. I guess some things should just be left unknown.

People have told me that when I do touch them and see something, it feels like they're being invaded, like something's looking into their soul. I guess that's true... Maybe I should just look into my own for a while… What's in the soul of Johnny Smith?


End file.
